Hayden Panettiere information on the first time he was a boyfriend Brian Hickerson he became physical in his first history, It's Me: Counting.
“I feel it before I feel it, the mysterious sound of an open slap,” wrote Panettiere, 36, in the letter, which was released on Tuesday, May 19. “There is a heat in my cheek, like I'm on fire.
Before the incident, Panettiere wrote that Hickerson was screaming in his face. The actress said it was angry “like I've never seen it before.” Panettiere grabbed a paring knife from nearby, but tossed it aside before he could hit her.
“Nothing happened, at least to me. When I think about it, it's true. But it wasn't real,” wrote Panettiere. “I can play hard and I'll finish it and it will pass. Put it in, then erase it on the whiteboard and remove it from the tapes. I love the man and it wasn't him. It couldn't be him, not in a million years.”
After that first scene, “slaps become hits,” Panettiere wrote.
“One night he punched me in the face so badly that I didn't leave the house for weeks, the other day he yelled at me telling me to run until I reach five seconds because I'll need to start with my head before he throws the remote at me,” she said. “This is a man who doesn't miss, I think, and he doesn't miss.”
Panettiere and Hickerson were first linked in 2018. He was arrested the following year following an incident of domestic violence against the actor. Hickerson was charged with domestic violence and ordered to stay away from Panettiere. Those charges were eventually dropped.
He was arrested again in 2020 after a domestic violence dispute with Panettiere. Hickerson eventually served 33 days in jail, was sentenced to four years and was ordered to pay a $500 fine.
Panettiere wrote that her friends and family were concerned that she was “in danger” during her relationship with Hickerson.
“What I never told them was that the abuse I endured was not as bad as the thought of being alone,” he wrote.
Hickerson told TMZ ahead of the book's release that she and Panettiere have “something of a mutual respect” now. “We're just good friends,” he added, calling This Is Me an “incredible” read. However, Hickerson admitted that there was one story she asked Panettiere not to include in her book.
“There was a story where I was drunk,” he recalled. “Hayden was standing on the other side and I had the phone in my hand and I said, 'I'm going to give you 10 seconds to run as fast as you can before I throw you.'
Panettiere revealed her relationship with Hickerson to him Us Weekly Cover story, published earlier this month.
“It was brutal. It was painful. It was emotional. It was important for me to speak the right way,” he said. “I needed to believe that it happened for a reason.”
Panettiere continued, “For something so terrible to happen, the only thing I could think of to make it all worth it, was [to] people know they are not alone and they are helping people.”
This Is Me is out now.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support.
