It's long past time for someone to lay down some ground rules for the general public on handshakes

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to unpack everything that's been bothering us this week in the new edition of The Gripe Report.

This week, we're talking all about social etiquette, not those silly comments about which salad fork to use.

I'm talking about real social situations you'll find yourself in and how to navigate them.

WAIT… WHO ACTUALLY USES MILLIONS OF RESTAURANT BARBS?

I usually have more to say in these presentations, but I think that was brief and got the job done.

My job is good.

Saying goodbye to the other, he saw him again

Imagine, if you will, that you have just had a night out with friends.

Friends you know well, but are not very close to.

You had a great time and then say goodbye and walk back to your car, which has been waiting for you in the large parking lot.

But, while on the hunt for your sensible yet tough 2025 Ford Bronco Sport, you meet your friend again.

What are you doing?

CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHY THE DOCTORS ARE FORCED TO CHARGE US WITH KEYS AND MONEY IN OUR KITCHEN?

The good news: you have many options.

The bad news: they're all ugly.

Your first option is to make a headline that says, “Long time no see!” They will lie, but now you are ready that a boy.

Another option is to initiate a second sequence of goodbyes, which is unusual as hell, and god forbid you meet a third time.

Don't say anything again. I like the idea, but for most people this will be the most unappealing option of all.

I think the solution is a mix of a few of these and that's just a nod. He admits to running into someone, but it doesn't become a “thing.”

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Why is it physically painful to say “You too” after the server tells you to enjoy your meal? (Stock)

Saying 'You too' at an inappropriate time

Why does this hurt so much?

It really shouldn't be, but you do, and you want to just go home and crawl into bed.

There are a few places where I feel like I have a better chance of throwing a “To you” at the wrong time, and the first one is in any restaurant.

I can't tell you how many times I've gone out to eat and waited for the server or the person behind the counter to say “Have a nice one” or something like that, only for them to say something along the lines of “Enjoy your meal.”

Then you drop “You too” because you're stuck, now you're like an ass.

The second most common place I do is for those who work in parking lots. I go to a concert or hockey game and they go, “Enjoy the show/game,” and I give them the ol' “You too.”

Yes, I'm sure they'll enjoy stopping in this parking garage while I have fun. At least they get paid.

At least this is worse for the person who says “You too” than the person who accepts it too.

Handshake/hug

I'm tired of reading body language, postures, and eye angles to determine if someone is coming up to me for a handshake or a dap or one of those handshake deals.

My success rate should be 60% to 70%, but I think it should be 100% because we live in society. Everyone needs to help each other out on this and not throw so many curveballs.

We need ground rules for this. Maybe something like shaking hands only if at least 50% of the people around you are wearing collared shirts. That tells you it's an official event, and it's not a time to cuddle like one of the surfers from “Point Break.”

I'm not against everyone wearing some kind of tag that tells you what they're up to.

I think they got this one in Japan. He bows to the board.

They have bows out there like one of Oprah's favorites, and the only difference is the angle of your waist rest.

A deeper bow means more respect… at least that's what I learned in the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode...

Whatever it takes to not play that weird guessing game all the time.

We all know the guy on the right wants to make some comment about the terrible weather right now. (Stock)

Speaking of Elevators

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who can't shut up anymore be talking about elevators.

I'm not saying you're not allowed to talk in elevators. Speaking of which, I can't stand people who feel compelled to speak just because they can't stand still for a few floors.

I don't mind being quiet. I could stand there all day in a group of people, say nothing, and not have a problem with it. I don't know if I'm just sane or laid back or a douche or what, but I can go without talking for hours and hours.

Some people? They started crawling out of their skins.

That's how we end up with people just throwing out names for no reason.

I'm talking about things like this: the doors close, you go four stories up, and all you hear in the first two is the hum of an Otis-brand cable pulling you into the sky.

Then someone should turn to whoever they're traveling with and say, “Lunch was good.”

Why?! Just why?

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That could wait until we were all out of this box being lifted up by a jagged cable. You it was necessary to say something because you couldn't stand the sound of your inner ear for 27 seconds.

I know that's nitpicky, but I hear this stuff all the time. Even worse is when the people in the elevator you're with decide it's a good time to practice their vaudeville act and try to make everyone laugh with quips and schtick.

Or worse, they try to please everyone by throwing out ideas about their plans or their work or whatever.

This is part of the big problem for me: Not everyone needs to know everything about you all the time. Social media has made this a much bigger problem, and it has spilled over into the real world.

This is why I hate bumper stickers so much.

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I'm just sitting behind you at a red light; I don't need to know what kind of dog you have, where you went to school, what groups you like (or what you don't like if you have Calvin from “Calvin & Hobbes” Honor peeing on their logo), and the fact that your child is on the honor roll.

That's how I feel about elevators. The less I know about you, the more I like you.