Why have we started expecting leaders to handle our emotions

A patient recently described her supervisor as “emotionally unsafe.” What he meant, after a few minutes of unpacking it, was very simple: his boss had given him a no-nonsense answer, set a clear deadline, and didn't spend much time softening the message.

That exchange has become remarkably common and is holding a very large cultural shift. Americans now expect authority figures to do more than pay. We expect them to handle anxiety, validate feelings, and reduce discomfort before they make a need. In other words, we now want leaders to behave like therapists. That might sound good in the moment, but it's usually bad in practice.

The job of a leader – whether it's a mayor, CEO, coach, or school administrator – is not to make people feel comfortable before every difficult decision. It is about confronting reality, setting standards, and leading people to outcomes they may not like at first. But our culture now does not trust that kind of leadership. Guidance is often confused and unresponsive. Levels are rearranged as pressure. Accountability sounds harsh. Even familiar positions can begin to feel psychologically threatening in a culture that treats discomfort itself as a problem.

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As a psychiatrist, I see the confusion clearly. It is part of a broader pattern that I explore in my forthcoming book, Healing Nationwhere I examine how medical expectations have moved beyond the consulting room and into leadership, schools, workplaces, and public life. Good treatment makes room for complete reassurance, but it doesn't stop there. The point is growth, responsibility, and behavioral change. Therapy that just helps people feel better without helping them perform better is bad therapy, and leadership works the same way. A great coach doesn't spend a season helping players feel understood endlessly. He helps them play. A strong boss does not eliminate all workplace stress. You clarify expectations and hold people to them. A parent cannot raise strong children by minimizing every disappointment before it comes.

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Our institutions now reward leaders who are good at nurturing emotions over those who can generate order. You see it everywhere: administrators who speak the language of affirmation while results slip, government officials who feign empathy while tensions flare, school leaders who prioritize emotional climate over values, and administrators who fear honest feedback because someone might feel hurt.

I often hear young patients describe effective leadership in almost emotional terms. A manager is “good” because he is reassuring. The professor is respected because he is in tune with emotions. A manager is trusted because he creates a sense of psychological security. Those qualities can be important, of course, but when they become the primary level, institutions begin to move away from working and managing emotions.

Red-headed businesswoman working on laptop inside modern office with colleague. (Stock)

People become unaccustomed to receiving correction without personalizing it, unable to distinguish discomfort from hurt, and unable to tolerate the conflict necessary for growth. Over time, the culture itself begins to select leaders who are better at reducing anxiety than producing virtue. That rarely makes institutions strong.

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When leaders are too busy managing emotions, people get less used to handling frustration, discipline, and working under pressure—things that build resilience. Standards soften, performance declines, and over time the institution itself loses its edge. That's important because life rarely arranges itself in emotional comfort. Markets don't. Competition does not. Being a parent does not. The relationship does not exist. Sports certainly don't.

One of the most important psychological muscles adults need is the ability to endure difficult truths without needing to be endlessly softened, and strong leadership helps build that muscle. The problem with a culture that expects leaders to act as therapists is that it begins to drive away the experiences that make people strong: stress, dominance, correction, embarrassment, and delayed gratification.

Kamilla Cardoso celebrates with head coach Dawn Staley after South Carolina lost to Iowa 87-75 in the 2024 NCAA women's basketball national championship at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse in Cleveland, Ohio, on April 7, 2024. (Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

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Feeling understood is comforting, but leadership asks something different from us. When we ask authority figures to address our feelings before they challenge us, we risk turning leadership into certainty. That may reduce anxiety in the short term, but in the long run it leaves people, and the institutions they rely on, weaker.