Backseat grillmeisters are some of the worst and fewest complaints about BBQing

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to stock up on some sunscreen and get ready for the hot weather to ring in a new edition of the Gripe report!

Memorial Day is a few days away – the unofficial start of summer – but, as I mentioned on Tuesday's edition of Nightcapsit really should be welcomed as the official start of summer.

Because while not everyone lives in a part of the country where the weather is good enough to BBQ all year round, it may be the first time you dust off the grill, smoker, or flat-top in a year.

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I don't care what science says; that the beginning of summer.

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So, we're talking about BBQ this week, and as it is, there's still a lot to catch up on.

Time

A good BBQ takes time, and that can be one of the biggest pains about it.

There's no way around it: if you want to smoke brisket or pork shoulder, clear your schedule.

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Sure, with the advent of pellet smokers and Bluetooth thermometers, you can be freed from your smoker to some extent, but you'll still need to do some level of babysitting.

This is a real pain when your wife says something to the effect of, “Everybody's coming to lunch at 1,” at which point she's doing mental math about how the pork loin you're going to smoke will probably take eight to 10 hours and need another hour to sit.

Well, set that alarm.

But here's the thing: while I recently complained about how long BBQing takes, that's one of the things that makes it great. I love waking up before dark, firing up the grill, and watching it while drinking coffee for the first few hours.

That's part of the experience, and what an experience!

Bad BBQ

I'm not a BBQ fan. I'm not like, “You have to do X to be real BBQ,” or “The only BBQ that's going to fit in my pit has to have Y.”

All I ask is that it's good.

I know that sounds fancy, but there's nothing worse than bad BBQ, and that's because of the downsides that come with it.

When someone says, “Hey, let's go to this BBQ place I know,” you're already salivating at the thought of tucking into the voluntary, brisket-fueled beef.

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But then you go and find it's kind of meh, and you're pissed off that you just had a BBQ.

It happened to me, and it sucks, so be careful.

“Uh… yeah, I'm from Kansas City so those ribs disgust me.” (Stock)

The guy who considers all the BBQ trash if it's not from the town he grew up in/lives in

Speaking of snobs, I'm not a fan of the guys who insist that all BBQ is–t unless it comes from within the city limits where they grew up or currently live.

It's like a guy who says he likes one type of music too only he listens.

I like rock too, but you're missing out by not getting into blues, jazz, classical, hip-hop, etc.

That's BBQ for me. Kansas City style is great. Texas style is great. The Carolinas have great BBQ. Alabama white sauce is good. A modern version of BBQ can be really good.

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It's okay to choose; that is natural. What I'm asking is that you don't take the deuce out of other styles of BBQ because they aren't yours.

No one is going to kick you out of Texas if you admit that Carolina BBQ is good.

You won't get pulled over and singled out by the people of Kansas City if you say you prefer a dry rub to something with sauce.

In fact, they may…

Your Inner Critic

One of my biggest problems with BBQ is myself.

Like anything I do, I'm my own worst critic, and boy, has that ruined a dish or two for me and others.

I'm not saying I did anything crazy, but I calmed down like a hockey player who just flicked the game-winning goal into his net.

“Yeah, you know, I'm really disappointed. I feel like I let everyone down tonight. We're going to have to regroup, come back, and do better next time…“

I just hate putting in the time to do something and then nurse it. I remember one time I made burnt pork ends that were inedible, but not to my liking. That hurt them a lot because I just sat back and thought I should have done something different.

Well, there's always next time… unless you hurt yourself so badly that you make everyone sick, then you should stop.

“Yes, go ahead and investigate that… No, no; that… Yes, you do.” (Stock)

Guy imparting his BBQing wisdom

It's almost cliché at this point, but whenever there's a chef, dudes are drawn to the grill or a smoker like a moth is drawn to the porch light.

I feel like most of the time, they're just there to watch (and silently judge), but every once in a while, you get a guy who feels the need to start telling the grillmeister what to do.

Investigate this. Turn that on. Move this. Prick it with a fork. Don't stab that with a fork.

Everyone has their own way of doing things on the grill, and as long as you get a good result, who cares?

Now this doesn't mean I don't want tips on how to be better. i am always looking for them.

That's how you unlock the secrets of a great BBQ. I was once told to use mayo as a binder when smoking a turkey breast, and – what do you know? – good.

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But when someone is in the middle of grilling burgers or bratwursts, that's not the time to start spewing some information.

…

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That's all for this smoky, sweet version Gripe report!

Feel free to send your gripes to: [email protected]