Written by Robert Scucci | Published
Did you know that Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, and Verne Troyer starred in a 2002 direct-to-video film called Hard Money? I do, because it's streaming on Tubi, and that's where I live where I want to be entertained. It tells the story of a heist that spirals out of control before spiraling into increasingly absurd territory as things escalate.
The talent involved Hard Money which is very strange because everyone is bringing goods, but the story he is playing is so far from saving that it is a small task to go through. The action sequences are low budget, and the dialogue is wooden at times, but there's still enough impact to keep you interested in the third act.
I can't say that in good conscience Hard Money it's a bad movie because it doesn't exist. But it saddens me to see how much energy is wasted on what could have been a solid crime comedy. On the other hand, I think the fully realized version of this film is far superior to what we ended up with: a high-stakes kidnapping story involving a one-man shoot-out-and-out, with a healthy amount of comic relief hanging in the balance to keep things light when the going gets tough.
Instead, we get… this.
Soon It Makes No Sense, And It Continues That Way
What is most worrying Hard Money it includes things we should follow. When convicted thief Thomas Taylor (Christian Slater) is released on parole, he's quickly up to his old tricks and finds what he thinks is the perfect job: robbing mobster Bo Young's (William Forsythe) off-track betting office. He uses his paramedic job as a front to get closer to the surgery, which is completely absurd. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're fresh out of prison, it's very unlikely you'll be able to get back into this line of work anytime soon.
I'm not saying that criminals can't be rehabilitated, contributing members of the community who do these kinds of jobs, but the timeline here doesn't add up to any imagination. At least, there's no situation I can think of where a convicted felon immediately starts working as a first responder, regardless of their work history prior to incarceration.
The money to be hacked ends up being marked, which means that a platform for fraud must be established. Working with his old team, Thomas lies down and calculates his next move, but matters quickly become complicated when corrupt FBI agent Mark C. Cornell (Val Kilmer), who had similar plans to rip off Bo, decides that the best course of action is to kidnap Thomas' daughter Megan (Holliston Coleman), who has been living in the care of his girlfriend Paige, Downing Paige.
What we get from this point forward is basically a series of bad decisions, corruption, betrayal, and evasion of the law. Every now and then, Verne Troyer's Atilla, who works with the Russian mob (that's another can of worms), comes out of a suitcase with a gun because the Russians are after the same stack of money that everyone else is after.
Oh, What Could Have Been
Hard Money it comes out when it is set because there are many cooks in the kitchen. We have an ex-con trying to save his daughter from a corrupt FBI agent who is after the same money he stole from a mobster, money that the Russians want. Right there is a sweet little girl who no longer wants her father to steal. In my mind, this is perfect territory for the “comedy of errors,” but the problem is that the movie plays everything completely straight.
In a parody or straight action comedy, Hard Money it would have succeeded because the whole plot is insane in nature, and it had to rely on that power whenever the opportunity presented itself. There's some comedic relief here, sure, but for a film reportedly made for less than $5 million, Hard Money it would have benefited from embracing camp instead of trying to present itself as a balls-to-the-wall thriller.
When I wanted to move on Hard Money for failing to live up to its potential, it remains a fun experiment, earning its keep because of the talent involved. Its biggest failure is that it doesn't know which line to stay on, and its efforts to be determined are always undermined by the comedy that it should have accepted.
From this writing, you can broadcast Hard Money free on Tubi.
